12 May 2013 – Amusements

Position

Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy

Job Description

Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

Responsibilities

The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

Possibility For Advancement & Promotion

Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

Previous Experience

None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

Wages And Compensation

Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and then wish you could only do more.

Benefits

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.


A man solves the problem of too many visiting relatives. He borrowed money from the rich ones and loaned it to the poor ones. Now none of them come back.


A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, “I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.”

“Me neither doc,” said the husband. “But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.”


Or, another variation on the same theme . . .

Tom is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. There are two sheriff’s deputies there and he asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, can they see a picture of his wife.

Tom says, “Sure,” and shows them a photo of his wife.

The sheriff says, “I’m sorry sir, but it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.”

Tom says, “I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.”


This reminds me of someone I know:

A man went into a dentist and asked, “How much will it cost to have a couple of teeth taken out?”

“$90,” said the dentist.

“That’s ridiculous,” said the man.

“Well, I could lose the anaesthetic and it would bring the cost down to $60.”

“That’s still too expensive,” said the man.

“If I don’t use any anaesthesia I could knock the price down to $20″.

“Still too much,” said the man.

“Well, one of my students could do it for $10,” said the dentist.

“Perfect.” said the man “Book my wife in for next Tuesday.”