7 April 2013 – Amusements

A young bride-to-be went to see her local priest to check on the preparations for her wedding.

“How can I help?” he asked.

“Well, Father”, she began, “it’s to do with my wedding dress. I was wondering what colour it should be.”

“The answer to that depends on your virtues, my dear”, replied the priest.

“What do you mean?” the innocent girl asked.

“It’s simple,” said the priest. “If you are pure and have not sinned, then you wear white.”

“And if…?” asked the girl.

“Otherwise, you wear blue,” explained the priest.

“Oh, I see. Thank you very much.” she said, and turned to go.

“Wait a moment.”, said the priest. “What color will you be wearing?”

“White!” said the girl.

“Oh good,” smiled the priest.

“…with hundreds of little blue polka dots.

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars’ worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

These came from Dad – I seem to remember having heard most of these at some point or other.

What My Parents Taught me

  1. My Parents taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
  2. My Parents taught me RELIGION. “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
  3. My Parents taught me about TIME TRAVEL. “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
  4. My Parents taught me LOGIC. “Because I said so, that’s why.”
  5. My Parents taught me MORE LOGIC. “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
  6. My Parents taught me FORESIGHT. “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
  7. My Parents taught me IRONY. “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
  8. My Parents taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
  9. My Parents taught me about CONTORTIONISM. “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
  10. My Parents taught me about STAMINA. “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
  11. My Parents taught me about WEATHER. “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
  12. My Parents taught me about HYPOCRISY. “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”
  13. My Parents taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
  14. My Parents taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. “Stop acting like your father!”
  15. My Parents taught me about ENVY. “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
  16. My Parents taught me about ANTICIPATION. “Just wait until we get home.”
  17. My Parents taught me about RECEIVING. “You are going to get it when you get home!”
  18. My Parents taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”
  19. My Parents taught me ESP. “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
  20. My Parents taught me HUMOR. “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
  21. My Parents taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
  22. My Parents taught me GENETICS. “You’re just like your father.”
  23. My Parents taught me about my ROOTS. “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
  24. My Parents taught me WISDOM. “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
  25. My Parents taught me about JUSTICE. “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”*

Only you folks my age understand these profound statements!!! But, there is one missing from this list – a personal all-time favorite!!

My Parents taught me about CHOICE. “Do you want me to stop this car?”