Three wives were bemoaning their husbands’ attitudes towards leftovers. “It gets rough,” one said. “My husband is a movie producer and he calls them ‘re-runs’.”
“You think you have it bad,” was the reply. “Mine is a quality control engineer and he calls them ‘rejects’!”
“That’s nothing compared to me,” said the third lady. “My husband is a mortician. He calls them ‘remains’!”
A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.
He whispers to the usher, “This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a handsome tip.”
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, “The wife did it.”
These came from Dad. We may have had some of these before but who’s keeping track?
If you know the bible even a little, you’ll find this hilarious! It comes from a Catholic elementary school test kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following 25 statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.
- In the first book of the bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.
- Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was Joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
- Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
- The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
- Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.
- Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.
- Moses led the Jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
- The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.
- The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
- The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
- Moses died before he ever reached Canada then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
- The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
- David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
- Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
- When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta.
- When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
- Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
- St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
- Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
- It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
- The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
- The epistels were the wives of the apostles.
- One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
- St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.
- Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.