A couple celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. When they were asked what their secret was to a long lasting marriage they said:
“We take the time to go out to a restaurant two times a week. A candlelight dinner, soft music and a slow walk home. She goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays.”
For his entire working life, a dedicated and hardworking Astrophysicist tried in all earnest to find the existence of other beings somewhere in the universe. After 58 years of constant effort, he finally receives a response from a planet 30 billion light years away.
“What is your planet like?” groaned the extra-terrestrial from the other side of the Galaxy.
“It is 12,756 kilometres in diameter, is 93,000,000 miles from the nearest star, our sun, has an average temperature of 72 degrees F. We breathe oxygen, live about 75 years, and have both men and women” answered the Physicist.
“Do the you get along with the women on your planet?” the extra-terrestrial asked slowly.
Puzzled by the question, but not wanting to insult the female Physicists nearby, he answered “Why yes. We get along quite well here.”
The extra-terrestrial perked up “Can we send you ours?”
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him “What’s wrong?”
The boy says “Me ma is dead”.
“Oh bejaysus” the man says “Do you want me to call Father O’ Riley for you ?”
The boy replies “No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.”