24 February 2013 – Amusements

“What do you do?” the pretty young thing asked the fellow on the stool next to her at the local watering hole.

“I’m a carnival performer,” he said. “I do amazing mental tricks.”

“Really? Like what?” she asked.

“The most amazing one is, I can feel a woman’s breasts, and tell the exact day she was born.”

“No way!”

“Yes, really.”

“OK, try it on me,” she said.

He reached over, put his hands up her shirt, and started poking, prodding, caressing, and gently pinching. He was clearly concentrating, but didn’t say a word.

“Well?” she finally she demanded after about two minutes. “When was I born?!”

“I’ve got it exactly,” he said, with one final squeeze. “Yesterday.”

This came from Dad. Have we had it before?

A man boarded an aircraft at London’s Heathrow Airport for New York, and, taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo – she took the seat right beside him.

‘Hello,’ he blurted out, ‘Business trip or vacation?’

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, ‘Business. I’m going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States.’

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, ‘What’s your business role at this convention?’

‘Lecturer,’ she responded. ‘I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.’

‘Really,’ he smiled, ‘what myths are those?’

‘Well,’ she explained, ‘one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it’s the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.’

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I really shouldn’t be discussing this with you; I don’t even know your name!’

‘Tonto,’ the man said. ‘Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

“Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?”

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, impressed by what she sees. She holds his ample manhood in one hand and gently caresses his testicles in the other making sure to knead his ball sack to see it all.

She lowers her head and looks very closely and in a breathy voice says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir. Your testicles look quite fine to me.”

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at the beautiful young nurse and says very slowly and distinctly, “Thank you very much dear. That was a wonderful experience. Now listen very, very carefully:

Are – my – test – results – back?”