6 January 2013 – Amusements

If you are struggling to come up with (or keep to) your New Year’s resolutions, the following advice may be helpful:

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep?

Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish?

Here are some example resolutions that you can use as a starting point.

1. I want to gain weight — at least 30 pounds.

2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

3. Read less (it makes you think — eww!)

4. Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.

5. Procrastinate more (starting tomorrow).

6. Drink. Drink some more.

7. Take up a new habit — maybe smoking.

8. Spend more time at work (surfing the web).

9. Stop bringing lunch from home — I should eat out more.

10. Start being superstitious.

11. Spend my summer vacation in cyberspace.

12. Create some loose ends.

13. Buy more tech toys (need to replace obsolete ones bought 6 months ago).

14. Get further into debt (easy thanks to #13).

15. Wait for opportunity to knock.

16. Focus on the faults of others.

17. (Mainly, but not exclusively, for women): Eat more chocolate.

And the Absolute Easiest New Year’s Resolution to Keep:

18. Don’t believe politicians.

Sitting in the first row of coach class during a lengthy flight, my wife and I were able to hear a flight attendant as he pushed a wine cart down the aisle in the first-class section. “Would you care for chardonnay or burgundy?” he asked the high-paying passengers.

A few minutes later the attendant opened the curtain between the two sections, offered wine to one final first-class patron, then wheeled the same cart forward to our aisle. “Excuse me,” he said, looking down at us, “would you care for a glass of wine? We have white and red.”

With apologies to anyone of Italian heritage for the gross stereotypical attitude towards Italians

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside and says, “Guido, I wan’ you lissina me. I wan’ you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.”

“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?”

“You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple-a bambinos.”

“Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with anudder man. “Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘time’s up’?”