My girlfriend is a vegetarian. She said that I’m not a real animal lover because I eat meat and that if I really loved animals, I would only eat lettuce, vegetables, and grains.
I said, “If you really loved animals, you’d stop eating all their food.”
I’m pretty sure we’ve had this before.
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers. One evening they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida.
The first said, “You know I had a big house built for Mama.”
The second said, “And I had a large theater built in the house.”
The third said, “And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her.”
The fourth said, “You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can’t read anymore because she can’t see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.” The other brothers were impressed.
After the celebration Mama sent out her “Thank You” notes. She wrote:
Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.
Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.
Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing, and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.
Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much.
An Irishman was sitting in a bar, feeling the ache in his leg from a war wound, when he noticed Jesus was sitting several seats down, nursing a beer. “Hey,” he said to the barman, “is that Jesus down there?”
The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, on his tab.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, “Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God’s Boy down there…?” The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed!” The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said “For your kindness, you are healed!” The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked toward the redneck.
The redneck jumped back. “Don’t touch me!” he screamed. “I’m on disability!”