Mary and Sue hadn’t seen each other for years. When they finally sat down to lunch, Mary was stunned at how trim and healthy Sue looked. Mary asked “What do you do to stay so fit?”
“Well,” answered Sue, “I’ve found that nothing keeps me trimmer than having affairs.”
“Really!” exclaimed Mary, looking her friend up and down. “You simply must tell me who does your catering!”
A grandmother was pushing her grandchild around the grocery store in a buggy. Placing two loaves of bread in the basket she said “And here’s something for you, Diploma.” Next she added a dozen eggs to the basket saying, “This will make a cute little outfit for you, Diploma” and so on.
Eventually a bewildered shopper who had heard all this finally asked, “Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?”
The grandmother replied, “I sent my daughter to college and this is what she came home with!”
After a very busy day, Peggy settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Manhattan for the ‘burbs.
As the train rolled out of the station, one last passenger jumped on the train and got the last seat — right next to Peggy.
Naturally, he pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.
“Hi sweetheart, it’s Eric! … I’m on the train — yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting … No, honey, not with that floozy from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life — yes, I’m sure, cross my heart,” etc., etc.
It was nauseating. And no matter how much Peggy glared at him, cleared her throat, or otherwise tried to express her disapproval over his rudeness, he completely ignored her.
Fifteen minutes later, she got an idea. She leaned in close to him and said in her most sensual, pouty voice aimed right at his phone:
“Hey, Eric, sweetie! Turn off that stupid phone and come back to bed!”
Eric doesn’t use his cell phone in public any longer.