“Get this,” said one drinker to his friends at the bar, “Last night while I was here with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.
“Did he get anything?” his friends asked.
“Yeah, a broken jaw, two teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk.”
The other day at work I ran into my friend Cindy. We chatted over lunch and she dropped a bombshell on me. “Bill,” she said, “Tom and I are going to get a divorce.”
I was stunned. “Why? What happened, you two seem to be so happy together!”
“Well,” she said, “ever since we got married, my husband has tried to change me. He got me to stop drinking and smoking. He got me to give up meat and eat the right foods. He taught me how to enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music. He even taught me how to invest in the stock market.”
“So,” I said, “you’re a little bitter because he spent so much time trying to change you?”
“Not at all,” she replied. “I’m not bitter. Now that I’m so improved, he just isn’t good enough for me.”
I’m sure we’ve had this before but every time I run across it I chuckle:
I was taking a ground school class for private pilots. During the session on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept of sublimation, which is the act of going from a gas to a solid, while skipping the intermediate liquid stage.
As an example, he gave water vapour in the air condensing on a windshield to form ice. Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a solid to a gas.
He was expecting dry ice as the answer when one of the students blurted out, “Burritos!”