13 May 2012 – Amusements

Jack walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, Jack started to leave.

“Excuse me,” said a customer who was puzzled over what Jack had done, “What was that all about?”

“Ah, it was nothin’,” said Jack, “my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.”

We’ve had it before and there are many variations but it’s still cute:

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the woman. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of it, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”

The woman below responded, “You must be in management.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault!”

One night in Paris, an American tourist dropped into a sidewalk cafe late one night and, after a couple of drinks, realized he was the last person in the bar except for a chap sleeping at one of the tables.

The man called the proprietor over and asked for his bill. “Would monsieur care for another drink?” asked the Frenchman.

“No thanks, I imagine you want to close up. Why don’t you send that other fellow home?”

“Well, I should, but each time I wake him up he asks for the bill and pays it again.”