6 May 2012 – Amusements

This is particularly for our pal Pete and his love and admiration for the Chicago Cubs:

60 above – Floridians wear coats, gloves, and woolly hats.

Chicago people sunbathe.

50 above – New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.

Chicago people plant gardens.

40 above – Italian cars won’t start.

Chicago people drive with the windows down.

32 above – Distilled water freezes.

Lake Michigan’s water gets thicker.

20 above – Californians shiver uncontrollably.

Chicago people have the last cookout before it gets cold.

15 above – New York landlords finally turn up the heat.

Chicago people throw on a sweatshirt.

0 degrees – Californians fly away to Mexico.

Chicago people lick the flagpole and throw on a light jacket over the sweatshirt.

20 below – People in Miami cease to exist.

Chicago people get out their winter coats.

40 below – Hollywood disintegrates.

Chicago’s Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.

60 below – Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica.

Chicago’s Boy Scouts postpone “Winter Survival” classes until it gets cold enough.

80 below – Mount St. Helen’s freezes.

Chicago people rent some videos.

100 below – Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.

Chicago people get frustrated when they can’t thaw the keg.

297 below – Microbial life survives on dairy products.

Illinois cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

460 below – ALL atomic motion stops.

Chicago people start saying. . . “Cold ’nuff for ya??”

500 below – Hell freezes over.

The Chicago Cubs win the World Series.

John received a free ticket to the Super Bowl. Unfortunately, his seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the stadium.

He noticed an empty seat 10 rows up from the 50-yard line and decided to make his way there. As he sits down he asks the man next to him if anyone is sitting there.

The man told him no, it was empty.

John is very excited to have a seat like this at a Super Bowl and asks why in the world no one is using it?

The man replied that it was his wife’s seat but she recently passed away. He said this was the first Super Bowl that they had not attended together since they were married in 1968.

John said that it was really sad and asked if he couldn’t find someone, a relative or a close friend to take the seat?

“No” replied the man, “They’re all at her funeral!”

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

She seems OK, so he goes back to his reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about what’s going on.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, “Three times you’ve sneezed and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Do you want me to call the stewardess for you?”

The woman replies, “I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition: when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.”

The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious, says, “I’ve never heard of such a thing before. What are you taking for it?”

The woman looks him straight in the eye and says, “Pepper.”