8 April 2012 – Amusements

A brilliant young boy was applying for a job with the railways. The interviewer asked him: “Do you know how to use the equipment?”

“Yes”, the boy replied.

“Then what would you do if you realized that two trains, one from this station and one from the next were going to crash because they were on the same track?”

The young applicant thought and replied “I’d press the button to change the points without hesitation.”

“What if the button was frozen and wouldn’t work?”

“I’d run outside and pull the lever to change the points manually”

“And if the lever was broken?”

“I’d get on the phone to the next station and tell them to change the points,” he replied.

“And if the phone was broken and needed an electrician to fix it?”

The boy thought about that one. “I’d run into town and get my uncle”

“Is your uncle an electrician?”

“No, but he’s never seen a train crash before!”


Allegedly real notes left for the milkman. Do you remember when the milkman delivered milk?

Dear milkman…

  • I’ve just had a baby, please leave another one.
  • Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.
  • Cancel one pint after the day after today.
  • Please don’t leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
  • Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
  • Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.
  • Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I’ve been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
  • Sorry about yesterday’s note. I didn’t mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.
  • When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
  • Please knock. My TV’s broken down and I missed last night’s Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea?
  • My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?
  • Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.
  • Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.
  • Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
  • From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don’t want any milk.
  • My back door is open. Please put milk in ‘fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.
  • Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.
  • No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.
  • When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don’t leave any milk.

A skydiver is enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute, he pulls the ripcord, but nothing happens.

“No problem,” he says to himself, “I still have my emergency chute.” So he pulls the ripcord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens. Now the man begins to panic. “What am I going to do?” He thinks. “I’m a goner.”

Just then, he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can’t figure out where this man is coming from or what he’s doing, but he says to himself, “I hope he can help me. If he can’t, then I’m in real trouble.”

When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts, “Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?”

The man coming up cups his hands and yells back, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”