25 March 2012 – Amusements

These came from our favourite UN diplomat, Jordan Ryan:

The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

  1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
  1. Ignoranus : A person who’s both stupid and an as*hole.
  1. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
  1. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
  1. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
  1. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
  1. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
  1. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
  1. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
  1. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease (This one got extra credit.)
  1. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
  1. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
  1. Glibido : All talk and no action.
  1. Dopeler Effect : The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
  1. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
  1. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
  1. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners:

  1. Coffee , n. The person upon whom one coughs.
  1. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
  1. Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
  1. Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
  1. Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.
  1. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
  1. Lymph , v. To walk with a lisp.
  1. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
  1. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
  1. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.
  1. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.
  1. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
  1. Pokemon , n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
  1. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
  1. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
  1. Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

A woman went into the kitchen to make a cup of tea and found her husband shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”

The engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks’ vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years – say, a red Corvette?”

The engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

And the interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”