We’ve had this before but it’s worth repeating:
God Vs. Satan
In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then, using God’s bountiful gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry’s and Krispy Kreme.
And Satan said: “You want hot fudge with that?”
And Man said: “Yes!”
And Woman said: “I’ll have one, too…with sprinkles.”
And lo they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them.
And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.
So God said: “Try my fresh green garden salad.”
And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said: “I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.”
And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut shrimp butter-dipped lobster chunks, and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man’s cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.
Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt, all to be washed down with artificially flavored sodas over-sweetened with huge amounts of high-fructose corn syrup.
And Man packed on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan introduced cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.
And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretchy Lycra jogging suits as they sat on the couch all evening.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald’s and the 99-cent double cheeseburger, and then asked “Do you want fries with that?”
And Man replied: “Yes! And super size ’em!”
And Satan said: “It is good.”
And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed…and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
Satan chuckled and created HMOs.
Because of an ear infection, my young son Casey had to go to the paediatrician. I was impressed with the way the doctor directed his comments and questions to my son. When he asked Casey, “Is there anything you are allergic to?” Casey nodded and whispered in his ear.
Smiling, the paediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to me. Without looking at it, I tucked it into my purse. Later, the pharmacist filled the order, remarking on the unusual food-drug interaction my son must have. When he saw my puzzled expression, he showed me the label on the bottle.
As per the doctor’s instructions, it read: “Do not take with broccoli.”
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:
“The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?”
A male student inquired, “How much for a season pass?”