8 January 2012 – Amusements

Nearing the end, Bill is surrounded by his loved ones. As the final moment approaches, he whispers, “I must tell you my greatest secret.” His family urges him to go on.

“Before I got married, I had it all,” Bill explains, “I had fast cars, cute girls and plenty of money. But a good friend warned me, ‘Get married and start a family. Otherwise, no one will be there to give you a glass of water to drink when you’re on your deathbed.’

So I took his advice. I traded the girls for a wife, beer for baby food. I sold my Ferrari and invested in college funds. And now here we are. And you know what?”

“What?” they all chorused.

“Boy was that BAD advice. I’m not even thirsty!”

I know we’ve had this before but I love it:

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.’s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!

He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pyjamas, reading a novel.

She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”

She again smiled and answered, “You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?”

“Yes,” he replied reluctantly.

She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it!!”

My friend Arthur loved fast food and especially fried chicken and French fries. He became worried about his weight and eventually consulted his doctor.

“What is the least you have ever weighed?” asked the doctor.

Arthur replied “Seven pounds, six ounces.”