18 December 2011 – Amusements

A man goes to the doctor and reports that he hasn’t been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up,” the doctor says. “Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then, just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.”

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, “My goodness, Doc, exactly what’s my problem?”

Says the doctor, “You’re not drinking enough water.”

Harry had a bit of a drinking problem.

Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole, spent the entire evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened.

His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and his returned drunken state. But Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife, distraught by it all, talked to a friend about her husband’s behavior. The friend listened to her and then asked, “Why don’t you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways.”

The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. Around midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard Harry at the door and let him in. This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the Ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little.

After a while, she said to him, “It’s pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don’t you?”

At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state, “I guess we might as well. I’ll get in trouble if I go home anyway!”

One evening, impressed by a meat entree his wife had prepared, the old professor asked, “What did you marinate this in?”

Mrs Professor dropped her fork and went into a long explanation about how much she loved him and how life wouldn’t be the same without him. She must have seen the confused look on the old professor’s face, because she inquired, “What did you ask me?”

When he told her what he’d asked, Mrs Professor laughed and said, “I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!”

Later, as she was cleaning up the kitchen, the old professor called out, “Hey, Hon, WOULD you marry me again?”

Without hesitation she replied, “Vinegar and barbecue sauce.”