21 August 2011 – Amusements

One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.

“Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?”

“Have you tried sandpaper?” Pinocchio hadn’t, so he went to try it.

“Pinocchio,” said Gepetto a few weeks later. “How did the problem work out with your girlfriend?”

Pinocchio replied, “Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?”

The next three are courtesy of Nick:

The Irish have solved their own fuel and economic problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they’re going to drill for their own oil.

My mate’s missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk & never came back!

I asked him how he was coping and he said, “Not bad, I’ve been using that powdered stuff.”

Paddy’s in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

“What are you doing?” he asks.

“Hanging myself,” Paddy replies.

“It should be round your neck,” says the guard.

“I tried that,” says Paddy, “but I couldn’t breathe.”

Eager to make her mark in the world of business, the attractive new MBA took a job as an executive assistant to the middle-aged owner of a fast-growing computer software company. She found the work challenging and the travel interesting, but was extremely annoyed by her boss’s tendency to treat her in public as though she were his girlfriend rather than a professional associate.

This was especially irritating in restaurants, where he would insist on ordering for her, and on calling her “dearest” or “darling” within earshot of the waiters. When she told him how much it bothered her, he promised to stop, but the patronizing behavior continued.

Finally, as he led her into a four-star restaurant, she took matters into her own hands. “Where would you like to sit, sweetheart?” he asked, with a wink at the maitre d’.

“Gee,” she replied, “anywhere you say, Dad.”