14 August 2011 – Amusements

The Irish have the lowest levels of stress because they do not take medical terminology seriously:

Medical Term Irish Definition
Artery  The study of paintings
Bacteria  The back door to the cafeteria
Barium  What doctors do when patients die
Benign  What you be after you be eight
Caesarean Section  A nieghbourhood in Rome
Cat scan  Searching for kitty
Cauterize  Made eye contact with her
Colic  A sheep dog
Coma  A punctuation mark
Dilate  To live long
Enema  Not a friend
Fester  Quicker than someone else
Fibula  A small lie
Impotent  Distinguished, well-known
Labour Pain  Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff  A doctor’s cane
Morbid  A high offer
Nitrates  Rates of pay for working at night, normally more money than days
Node  I knew it
Outpatient  A person who has fainted
Pelvis  Second cousin to Elvis
Post-Operative  A letter carrier
Recovery Room  Place to do upholstery
Rectum  Nearly killed him
Secretion  Hiding something
Seizure  Roman Emperor
Tablet  A small table
Terminal illness  Getting sick at the airport
Tumour  One plus one more
Urine  Opposite of you’re out

This from Dad:

Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems.

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and I said ….. “Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl. Now … I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of the deal.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She said, “Go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and I will make sure that you will again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.”

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are cute!”

The wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful,” it was now “cute.” She said, “What happened to ‘beautiful’?”

Her husband replied, “The drugs are wearing off!”