The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife and asked, “Is this your wife, sir?”
Shocked, I answered, “Yes it is.”
They said, “I’m afraid it looks like she’s been hit by a bus.”
I said, “I know, but she has a lovely personality and she’s good with the kids.”
I love this logic:
Irving goes into a restaurant and orders potato latkes. When they come, he complains that they do not look good and he changes his order to blintzes. After he eats the blintzes, he stands up and starts to leave the restaurant.
“Wait a second,” the manager shouts after him. “You have not paid for your blintzes.”
“What are you talking about?” Irving says. “Those blintzes were an even exchange. I gave you the potato latkes for them.”
“Yes,” says the manager, “but you did not pay for the latkes either.”
“Why should I pay for them?” asks Irving. “I didn’t eat them.”
One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself.
The Lord says to the cat, “You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know.”
The cat thinks for a moment and says, “Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.”
The Lord stops the cat and says, “Say no more,” and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven.
Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.
The mice answer, “All our lives we have been chased.
We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms.
Running, running, running; we’re tired of running.
Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don’t have to run anymore?”
The Lord says, “Say no more” and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
A few weeks later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.
The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, “How are things since you got here?”
The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, “It is wonderful here.
Better than I could have ever expected. And those ‘Meals On Wheels’ you’ve been sending by are the best!”