A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town. The waiter came and asked him for his order. Feeling lonely, he replied, “Meat loaf and a kind word.”
When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said, “Where’s the kind word?”
The waiter put down the meat loaf and sighed, bent down, and whispered, “Don’t eat the meat loaf.”
It’s old and predictable but still good:
A man lying on his deathbed called to him, his lawyer, his doctor, and his pastor. “I am going to die tonight,” and I want to prove that when you go to heaven you can take it all with you. So to my three most trusted friends, you three of course, I am leaving 50,000 dollars in these envelopes. When I die you must come to my funeral and put the envelopes in my coffin with me.” The man handed the three men identical envelopes.
A day later they each received news that, that night the old man had died. So each knew they must go to his funeral and fulfill his death wish.
Standing over the coffin one week later the pastor confessed, “I can’t hide what I’ve done. I took 10,000 dollars from the envelope because the church needed to be painted.”
Then as he did so the doctor also started to fidget then finally confessed “I took 30,000 dollars from my envelope because the hospital needed a new wing.”
Then the lawyer said plainly “You bunch of crooks! I wrote him a check for the full amount!”
A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for a dollar each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and as he passed the pretzel stand he would leave her a dollar, but never take a pretzel.
This offering went on for more than three years. The two of them never spoke.
One day as the young man passed the old lady’s stand and left his dollar as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him for the first time in over three years. Without blinking an eye, she said, “They’re a dollar and a quarter now.”