1 May 2011 – Amusements

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

As the evening draws to a close, Roberts looks around and asks, “Now, who is going to tell the wife?” They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse than it is.

“Gentlemen! Discreet? I’m the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.”

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, “Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.”

She hollers, “TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!”

Rippington says, “I’ll tell him.

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Courtesy of Click and Clack, the Tappet brothers

A blonde was trying to sell her old car but was having a lot of problems because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day she told her problem to a brunette that she worked with. The brunette told her: “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”

“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “if I only can sell the car.”

“Okay,” said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore.” The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde: “Did you sell your car?”

“No,” replied the blonde, “why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.”

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Old as the hills but still cute:

A woman was on the phone to her friend. “I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,” she said, “so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.”

“I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors,” she continued. “I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.”