23 January 2011 – Amusements

“What did your mother do yesterday morning. Vicky?”

“She done her shopping, ma’am.”

“Done her shopping, Vicky? Where’s your grammar?”

“She done her shopping as well, ma’am.”

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Pearl Hubbard stood up and walked to the podium.  Looking out at the congregation, she said, “I have a praise.  Two months ago, my husband Tom was in a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.  The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

Muffled gasps arose from the men in the pews as they imagined the unbearable pain poor Tom must have experienced.

“Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” Pearl slowly continued.  “Every move caused him terrible pain.  We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation to try to repair the damage, and it turned out that they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum and wrap wire tightly around it to hold it in place.”

The male congregants cringed and squirmed as they imagined the horrible surgery Tom had to undergo.

“But now,” Pearl announced in a quavering voice, “Thanks to our prayers and the Lord, Tom is finally out of the hospital, and the doctors say that with time his scrotum should recover completely.”

All the men sighed with unified relief.  The pastor rose with a pained look and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

“Hi,” he said, “I’m Tom Hubbard.”  The entire congregation held its breath.

“I just wanted to tell my wife the word is “sternum.”

CEO — Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO — Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER — What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW– The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.

2 thoughts on “23 January 2011 – Amusements”

  1. I am enjoying ‘Home” but find “Seeing Further” a bit heavier slogging. No doubt Bryson would chortle over the Scrotal – Sternal confusion, as well as the BBC auto transcriber confusion. this latter is akin to the time my steno transcribed “Youth in Asia” for “euthanasia”

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